The Second Question Is the Real One

In sales, in hiring, in fundraising — the first question is almost always performance. People know what they’re supposed to say. They’ve practiced it. You learn very little.

The real information comes from the second question.

The follow-up. The “and then what?” The “what did you do when that didn’t work?” The “who else have you talked to about this?” These questions cost the other person almost nothing to answer — and they reveal almost everything.

I built a habit, somewhere around year three, of treating the first answer as ceremonial. The conversation actually starts on the second question. The third is even better.

You can apply this to yourself. The first reason you give for a decision is usually rehearsed. The second one is closer to the truth. The third one is usually it.